Crimes Against Nature

Today I learned that there exists conduct that in the Commonwealth of Virginia that will result in a little addition to your criminal record titled 'Crimes Against Nature.' While the specifics of this 'crime against nature' remain unclear to me I have a few ideas about what it might be.

IDEA #1

Yesterday to my horror I came home and observed a bottle of diet Mountain Dew resting on top of the trash in the bin. My first thought was obviously 'someone actually drinks Mountain Dew?' This was quickly followed by, 'what type of person would drink diet Mountain Dew?'

I know it wasn't me. To my knowledge Lane does not 'do the dew.' Hmmm, I wonder who it could be.

Is this a crime against nature?

IDEA#2

After removing the plastic bottle from the trash can and placing it safely in with the rest of the recycling I decided to reward myself for saving the earth once again by grabbing a handful of organic, locally grown {insert favorite snack food here}.

As if I was trapped in a horror movie I opened the cupboard and was confronted with this image. Shocking. The preservatives. The wasteful packaging. The non-organic nature. The energy spent on transportation. Chocolate. The horror.

Is this a crime against nature?

My whole world turned upside down I was left to pacing around the kitchen wondering what kind of house I lived in and what exactly a crime against nature is. As I sought to find answers the backdoor of the house swung open with little care. Were we being robbed? Is Santa coming 3 months behind schedule? Is that neighbor who I took the leaves from yesterday looking for me? When who should appear but a bastion of corporate America...

IDEA#3

He was muttering something along the lines of, 'do they really think I am going to give that obscene bonus back just because it came from the taxpayers who thought they were saving the economy?' I tried to ask, passively aggressively of course, if he might know about the bottle in the trash or the box of fudge rounds but before I could muster up the courage he 'pulled some lawyer shit' and I retreated.

After all this I am still not sure what a 'crime against nature' might be. What I am sure of is that Sean is involved. I can't prove it just yet...but I will.